My 2008 Wish List

By Alan Caruba

With 2008 just around the corner, I am sure all of us have a wish list, even if it is not a formal one. And what good would that do anyway? Wishes are nice, but reality is usually just a big slap in the face. On the other hand, most of us would maneuver better through life if we could just get a better grip on reality.

Here, in no particular order:

1. Once all the primaries and the election is over, I never want to hear another thing about Hillary Clinton. Or Bill Clinton. Or Chelsea Clinton. (This will not happen.)

2. I do not want to hear or read anything more about "Global Warming" because (a) it is not happening and (b) we are all poised at the tail end of an 11,500 year interglacial period that will begin a new Ice Age. Any day now!

3. I wish that aliens from outer space would swoop down and carry Al Gore away. He has got to be one of the most vile men on the face of the Earth. And he's crazy to boot. The man wants to eliminate the internal combustion engine!

4. I wish that Harry Reid, the Senate Majority Leader, (D-NV) would be ordered to remove every incondescent light bulb in his home and office, and never be allowed to purchase or use one again under penalty of confinement. This moron is bragging about how the Democrat "energy bill" will ban them by 2020. That's right, your Big Stupid Government has just passed a law to eliminate one of Thomas Edison's most famed and fabulous inventions!

5. I wish that radio would begin to play music to which I can actually listen without thinking of cats fighting or riot police breaking into a crack house.

6. I wish there was a law that all the slutty little Hollywood actresses who cannot remember to put on underwear, stay sober, avoid drugs, or practice safe sex would be subject to exile to Pony, Montana for a period not less than three years, nor longer than five. The men in the surrounding area would be ever so grateful.

7. I wish that public officials would stop referring to Islam as "a religion of peace." The Koran is a battle plan, not a holy book.

8. I wish that someone, anyone, would capture Osama bin Laden. And his pal Zawahiri. And the rest of that motley crew of killers who can't wait to blow themselves up in the name of Allah.

9. I wish any member of Congress who voted for the mandate to increase production and use of Ethanol would be forced to drink a gallon of it.

10. I wish all our troops in Iraq and Afghanistan (and around the world) would be home for Christmas next year, but this too will not happen because right now, somewhere, someone is planning another terror attack or a full-scale war on the greatest nation on the face of the Earth, the United States of America!