Let's Ban Al Gore

By Alan Caruba

[Warning! This is satire. If there is any resemblance to reality in the text below, it is purely intentional.]

Al Gore, former Vice President of the United States, Nobel Peace Prize winner, and winner of a Hollywood Oscar for his documentary, “An Inconvenient Truth”, was at it again, giving another of those “The End is Near” speeches in which he advises the rest of us to stop driving, get rid of our air conditioners, and do everything else to avoid global warming.

He says we only have ten years in which to do this. After that, says Al Gore, there will be so much carbon dioxide in the Earth’s atmosphere we will all be fried like ants on the sidewalk. Considering that there’s only 0.038% of CO2 in the Earth’s atmosphere, listening to his idiotic bloviating can and has impaired the mental health of countless people.

His latest Gore-a-tion is that we need to stop using fossil fuels to generate electricity because, as he put it in his usual understated way, “The future of human civilization is at stake.”

Briefly, it’s worth noting that coal accounts for just over 50% of all the electricity we use, nuclear for another 20%, natural gas for just under 20%, and the rest from minor sources like hydroelectric. Solar and wind power, combined, accounts for less than 4% because it remains a really stupid way to generate electricity.

Instead of banning everything Al Gore and his Little Green Friends want eliminated from modern life, why can’t we just get Al Gore banned?

Frankly, I think a case can be made that Al Gore represents a compelling reason to set aside the First Amendment guarantees of free speech and free press. (But only for him!)

Single-handedly, Al Gore has frightened more pre-school and school-age children in the history of the nation. These tots are all convinced that the end of the Earth is coming in their lifetimes. The reason for this is that they’ve all been forced to sit through “An Inconvenient Truth” several times, often to the point where they weep uncontrollably and beg to be allowed to leave the room.

I know that Constitutional purists will say that Al Gore cannot and should not be banned, but I maintain that anyone who wrote, as he did in his book, “Earth in the Balance”, that the internal combustion engine should be eliminated has no right to speak in public or be published for any reason.

This is such bizarre and demented nonsense that the real question is why Al Gore has not been institutionalized?

It can be argued, I maintain, that anyone who crammed as many lies into his award-winning documentary as Al Gore did should not be allowed to roam freely. Here again, I know that some will say that if we locked up every liar in public life, the nation’s Capitol Building would be empty along with many of Washington, DC’s various bureaucracies whose job it is to steal private property and fleece taxpayers.

I repeat, I only want Al Gore banned.

I maintain that it would be a public service to put Al Gore under house arrest where he could continue to burn through more energy than twenty average homes in Nashville, Tennessee. This single act would render the entire world a Gore-Free Zone where polar bears would not be exploited for being cute to everyone except seals and some citizens of Alaska for whom the word “cute” does not come instantly to mind when one of them is in the backyard.

A Gore-Free Zone would be one in which the rest of us could devote more time to figuring out what to do as the Earth enters its second decade of atmospheric cooling and, unless the Sun warms up soon, slides into the next Ice Age.