Tiger Woods Agonistes

By Alan Caruba

On Friday Tiger Woods will give some kind of talk to a select group of friends and close associates at the TPC Sawgrass Clubhouse in Ponte Verde Beach, Florida. The press will be permitted to sit in another room, listen and take notes, but most certainly not to ask any questions.

I have been a public relations counselor for more than four decades and, frankly, I think this is a bad idea. The sooner he answers all those embarrassing and annoying questions, the better. Clear the air!

Let the ink-stained wretches pursue the ritual blood-letting and then get back to hitting tiny white balls into tiny tin cups on some of the most finely manicured and managed pieces of land to be found anywhere in the nation or around the world.

Americans are so accustomed to men of power and acclaim getting into trouble for cheating on their wives or just running afoul of some woman who feels wronged (and it still takes two to tango) that if Tiger Woods just says something to the effect that he has carnally known more women than most men ever will, then we could all get back to more weighty issues.

And, oh yes, he must apologize (probably excessively) for cheating on his wife and repeat that he intends to be a good father to his children. End of story.

I, of course, will be able to return to checking TMZ every hour on the hour to find out if Brad Pitt will leave Angelina Jolie and return to the arms of Jennifer Anniston.

I worry that affairs of state will interfere with Barack Obama’s golf and pick-up basketball games.

I am concerned that, one day, Janet Napolitano will be found by a random Transportation Safety Agency search to be wearing exploding underwear.

While I welcome the Friday confessional, I am inclined to believe that it will not put a quick end to the tabloid and mainstream press (notice how the tabloids are doing a far better job of journalism these days?) as they fearlessly seek out the names of every woman whoever had sex with Tiger in the last decade. That could take a while.

Still, I note that few people are discussing South Carolina Governor Mark Sanford, former Governor Elliot Spitzer, former Senator and John Kerry running mate, John Edwards these days. In the age of the Internet and massive overflows of information, these dalliances rapidly lose their power to titillate beyond a month or more.

While I grant that golf is a sport that requires extraordinary skills, it is the element of tightly controlled risk-taking that ultimately makes us hold our breath as the little ball traverses the hills and valleys of each hole.

Transfer that element of risk to the multifold bedrooms where Tiger and his countless conquests have lingered in carnal bliss. When you do, forgiveness will fill your heart with the bright shining light of insight and understanding.

Roll over, Casanova! You have met your match!