Sunday, October 30, 2011

A Fly on the Wall of the Oval Office

Satire by Alan Caruba

It is not widely known, but security specialists have developed listening devices that resemble an ordinary house fly and one of them was installed in the Oval Office just before Barack Obama walked in on his first day on the job. Here are selections of conversations overheard.

Obama: “Where’s the bathroom. I have to take a wicked wee-wee.”

Obama to Rahm Emanuel, Chief of Staff: “Chicago rules!”

Obama to Robert Gibbs, Press Secretary: “You’ve got them eating out of your hand. They’re kissing our shoes. Good thing they’re such idiots.”

Obama to Vice President Joe Biden: “Just to go out there and say any damned stupid thing you want to, but stay on the daily storyline so we’re both lying about the same thing.”

Obama to Hillary Clinton, Secretary of State: “We’re going to tilt toward all the Muslim countries. Show them we’re their friend. As for Europe and just about everywhere else, tell them anything they want to hear.”

Obama to Tim Geithner, Secretary of the Treasury: “Tell Bernanke to keep printing money and borrowing a lot. We’re going to be bailing out all our friends on Wall Street, over at General Motors, and giving loans to every cockeyed green energy scheme that walks in the door.”

Obama to Bob Gates, Secretary of Defense: “Thanks for sticking around from the Bush days. Now let’s get the heck out of Iraq, Afghanistan, and everywhere else we can. War is so yesterday.”

Obama to Eric Holder, Attorney General: “It’s time to even the score with whitey.”

Obama to Kathleen Sebellius, Secretary of Health: “Wait until they see Obamacare! It’s a socialist dream come true.”

Obama to Ken Salazar, Secretary of the Interior: “According to Agenda 21, we have hardly made a dent in grabbing up more land for the federal government to control. Also, do whatever you can to slow down all that permitting for coal, oil and natural gas exploration.”

Obama to Tom Vilsack, Secretary of Agriculture: “Just keep the farmer’s happy, Tom. We’ll push ethanol for the corn growers and keep doing all the old FDR stuff.”

Obama to Hilda L. Solis, Secretary of Labor: “Hilda, this is going to be an administration the unions love, so keep in close touch with the guys from SEIU, the NEA, and the AFL-CIO. Whatever they want, they get.”

Obama to Gary F. Locke, Secretary of Commerce: “Frankly, Gary, I don’t know a damn thing about business, er…commerce…whatever.”

Obama (on the phone): “No I don’t want to talk to the Secretary of Veterans Affairs.”

Obama to Ray LaHood, Secretary of Transportation: “Ray, think electric cars, high speed trains, you know, stuff people don’t want and don’t need.”

Obama to Janet Napolitano, Secretary of National Security: “Janet, you were Governor of Arizona and now the state is full of illegal Mexicans. Keep up the good work.”

Obama to Steven Chu, Secretary of Energy: “No more coal, Steven. It’s dirty. So is oil. Fact is I think we need a lot less energy to get people used to how bad things are going to get.”

Obama to Lisa Jackson, Director of the Environmental Protection Agency: “Regulate! Regulate! Regulate! Do not hesitate to regulate!”

Obama to Michelle Obama: (On the phone) “Yes, Michelle. Yes, Michelle. Yes, Michelle.”

© Alan Caruba, 2011

6 comments:

scott adie said...

Alan are you sure this is satire or are there really 'bugs' in the Oval Office?

Alan Caruba said...

Definetely satire!

Alex T. said...

Reads more like the big 0's personal memoirs.

Lime Lite said...

Obama to Michelle: But I like fast food. Please don't take it away. Pleeeeeaaassssssssseeeeeeeee.

Ronbo said...

...But like all good satire has the element of truth.

TexasFred said...

Kinda funny isn't it?? Satire and truth sometimes walk hand in hand...