And now for more news about Tiger Woods!

For the record, I am delighted that Tiger Woods is back playing at the Masters. His private life is his private life and we should leave him alone. Go, Tiger!

Tiger Woods Agonistes

By Alan Caruba

On Friday Tiger Woods will give some kind of talk to a select group of friends and close associates at the TPC Sawgrass Clubhouse in Ponte Verde Beach, Florida. The press will be permitted to sit in another room, listen and take notes, but most certainly not to ask any questions.

I have been a public relations counselor for more than four decades and, frankly, I think this is a bad idea. The sooner he answers all those embarrassing and annoying questions, the better. Clear the air!

Let the ink-stained wretches pursue the ritual blood-letting and then get back to hitting tiny white balls into tiny tin cups on some of the most finely manicured and managed pieces of land to be found anywhere in the nation or around the world.

Americans are so accustomed to men of power and acclaim getting into trouble for cheating on their wives or just running afoul of some woman who feels wronged (and it still takes two to tango) that if Tiger Woods just says something to the effect that he has carnally known more women than most men ever will, then we could all get back to more weighty issues.

And, oh yes, he must apologize (probably excessively) for cheating on his wife and repeat that he intends to be a good father to his children. End of story.

I, of course, will be able to return to checking TMZ every hour on the hour to find out if Brad Pitt will leave Angelina Jolie and return to the arms of Jennifer Anniston.

I worry that affairs of state will interfere with Barack Obama’s golf and pick-up basketball games.

I am concerned that, one day, Janet Napolitano will be found by a random Transportation Safety Agency search to be wearing exploding underwear.

While I welcome the Friday confessional, I am inclined to believe that it will not put a quick end to the tabloid and mainstream press (notice how the tabloids are doing a far better job of journalism these days?) as they fearlessly seek out the names of every woman whoever had sex with Tiger in the last decade. That could take a while.

Still, I note that few people are discussing South Carolina Governor Mark Sanford, former Governor Elliot Spitzer, former Senator and John Kerry running mate, John Edwards these days. In the age of the Internet and massive overflows of information, these dalliances rapidly lose their power to titillate beyond a month or more.

While I grant that golf is a sport that requires extraordinary skills, it is the element of tightly controlled risk-taking that ultimately makes us hold our breath as the little ball traverses the hills and valleys of each hole.

Transfer that element of risk to the multifold bedrooms where Tiger and his countless conquests have lingered in carnal bliss. When you do, forgiveness will fill your heart with the bright shining light of insight and understanding.

Roll over, Casanova! You have met your match!

Tiger Woods and the Morals Clause

By Alan Caruba

“Accenture takes very seriously its business ethics, corporate governance and transparency of operations. Our board of directors authorized the creation of our Ethics and Compliance program. Led by our general counsel, the program is designed to:

# Foster the highest ethical standards amongst Accenture personnel.

# Be effective in preventing, detecting and appropriately reporting and addressing any allegation of misconduct and violations of law by Accenture personnel.”

You can find this statement on the website of Accenture, a management consulting firm for whom Tiger Woods was its celebrity avatar. His image is no longer on their website because Accenture announced it has severed its relationship with the sports star.

No doubt Accenture’s general counsel reviewed the contract it has with Tiger Woods as regards his personal behavior, otherwise known as “the moral clause.” As we are learning, Tiger’s morals off the greens weren’t just a lapse of judgment, but a serious breach of appropriate behavior before and during his marriage.

Off the greens, Tiger’s life was truly the stuff of tabloids. In time, however, he will find forgiveness or just the fatigue people will have with the story. In the short term, however, those corporations and other enterprises associated with his name will want to sever relations or distance themselves.

Regrettably Tiger’s scandal is all-too-familiar. He has joined the ranks of former President Clinton, Governor Mark Sanford, former Senator John Edwards, former Governor Elliot Spitzer, and talk show host, David Letterman.

We live in one of the most sex-drenched cultures on the face of planet Earth. Sex is used to sell everything. It suffuses fashion, music, films, and sports. One can hardly watch television without commercials promising improved sexual performance and warning against the hazards of four-hour erections.

Tiger Wood’s performance on the greens has always been spectacular. That’s not Tiger's problem. His problem is the moral clause and it’s there because few suspected Tiger Woods had an appetite for porn stars and Nordic beauties, but just in case he did.

It can be argued that, until it was made public, it was none of our business, but no highly public figure can or should ask for our approval at the same time they are breaking one or more of the Ten Commandments.

Having spent my life as a public relations counselor, I can tell you that whoever is advising him is now engaged in a full scale review of every single thing written or said about him. This is being done in an effort to assess when the media feeding frenzy will peak and then begin to loose its ability to inflict further damage. That’s not likely to occur for months.

At some point Tiger will return to the tournaments that made him a millionaire, but he is not likely to return to the commercial affiliations that made him a billionaire.

By then his wife will have divorced him and moved back to Sweden, taking the children with her. Nothing can heal that marriage.

In time the public will grow tired of his apologies and be content just to watch him play. But they will never look at him quite the same again.

The morals clause will preclude the big endorsement contracts; the major paydays are over. Instead, he will have to win tournaments and, if he does, the current sordid mess will eventually fade sufficiently to let him live a more modest and, hopefully, a more moral life.

We all have a morality clause in the contract we call life. It's there for a very good reason.

I'm Taking Up Golf!

By Alan Caruba

I have a confession to make. I have never engaged in any sports activity demanding any energy. About as close to a sporting activity I ever got was shooting pool or as fancy folk call it, billiards. The English version is called Snooker. In my time I did a lot of leaning over the edge of the pool table to line up a shot, but it never tired me in any way.

I have another confession to make. I have never watched an entire baseball or basketball game in my life. Baseball is too slow for my attention span and basketball is too fast.

In my youth I attended the University of Miami football games, but that was mostly to prove my manly bona fides with dates who I suspect knew more about the game than I. Once a year I watch the Super Bowl, but mostly for the cheerleaders and commercials.

Poker is not a sport. It is a card game played by professionals and amateurs alike, often for mindlessly huge amounts of money in tournaments. I like poker because the professionals can get knocked out with a bluff or better hand.

One of the reasons I never took up sports was a father who I was told once played tennis long before I was born. My Dad was very smart. He brought my older brother into the world for the sole purpose of mowing the lawn and shoveling the snow. Later I inherited the job. The most strenuous thing I ever saw my Dad do was read The New York Times every day.

All of which brings me to golf. I have decided to take up golf. I understand you can hire some guy to carry your bag that’s full of clubs and/or you can rent an electric cart to avoid all that walking. I only walk to the local supermarket and back—and then only if the Sun is shining and the weather is pleasant.

Why, at this late stage of my life would I take up golf, I hear you say. The answer is simple: Tiger Woods. Not only is he an inspiration to anyone who plays the game, he has demonstrated that playing golf acts as an aphrodisiac on women. Apparently it triggers levels of lust.

Up to now, I have tended to make fun of golfers and I want to apologize. I frankly thought that wearing pastel colored slacks was silly. Little did I know that the affect of golf on women was such that condoms were necessary every time one stepped out on the links.

It occurs to me that I might skip playing golf and just show up in clubs with a club. Casually walking into the place holding a “wood” or a “putter” should be a guarantee of sexual dalliance such as I have not known in…in…quite a while.

So, here’s to you, Tiger Woods! You’re now the new standard for every cheating husband plus all the single guys looking for a quick way to get some gal into bed.

It must be the golf because I cannot think of any other reason.